Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
