I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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