Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
