Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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