tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize