My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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