I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
