Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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