I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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