How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
