i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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