i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
