i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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