No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
