kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
