I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
