Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Damn victory sex feels great
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
