He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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