he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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