everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
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