whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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