i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't think brook has ever known best
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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