if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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