woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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