hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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