And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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