I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
