I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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