How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
