Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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