I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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