I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
