i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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