I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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