I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
