SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
