Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
