I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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