I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
