I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
