Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
