I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
