I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
