She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
