New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
