Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
