I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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