What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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