This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
