I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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