My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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