I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
