why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
