The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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