And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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