I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
