I wish you could order shots online.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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