She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
