I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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