he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
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