My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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