I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
